Silicon Valley, HBO's comedy that follows a ragtag group of engineers as they navigate their groundbreaking file compression software through the absurd political jungle of northern California's tech industry, just wrapped up its third season. The Pied Piper gang underwent a lot of changes in 10 episodes, losing (and regaining) its founder Richard as CEO, launching its revolutionary data compression platform to layman head scratches, and getting acquired by Bachmanity in a Price is Right-style bidding war over rival tech giant Hooli.
As we count down the days to season four and wonder if the umpteenth reboot for this scrappy startup will finally bring them success, let's reflect back on the crucial life lessons gleaned from this season's shenanigans.
Take Care of Your Glass Pieces
Erlich is a consummate cannabis consumer, instructing Jared to "clear [the bong], get all the smoke out of it; otherwise, it damages the device." Learn from Erlich, everyone. A clean glass piece is a happy glass piece.
"Put a 'Stache On It" Could Be 2016's Follow Up to "Put a Bird On It"
Move over, Portlandia: superfluous birds are out are sooooo early 2010s. Now that we're halfway through 2016, it's time to rally behind a new hipster trope. Enter Stache-Mode, and although it's not exactly a game-changer (that "stache-lag" needs fixing), even Richard's annoyed expression is made better thanks to the hottest upper lip accessory since Cindy Crawford's mole.
Know Your Renter's Rights
Tenant Jian Yang figured out it's a lot more difficult to get kicked out of Erlich's incubator than Erlich realized, thanks largely in part to Erlich blabbing about how California law "gives landlords literally no recourse" (to be fair, he was distracted while cleaning glassware — once again, the man knows how to take care of his glass pieces). Now Jian Yang is sitting pretty for a year while Erlich has to put up with his crappy prank phone calls. Learn from Jian Yang and brush up on your tenant rights to make sure you're protected from kimono-issuing landlords.
Watching Two Horses Mate is the Best Worst Time for an Impromptu Business Meeting
If you want a hapless employee to agree to a ridiculous idea (or at least be resigned to it), just pitch it while your prized mare is impregnating a fertile filly right in front of you both. Don't forget to punctuate the deflation of your subordinate's dreams with this gem of a line: "And now if you will excuse me, I paid $150,000 for the semen that's about to come out of that stallion and I would very much like to be there to see that it happens." Yeesh.
Clumsiness Can Derail the Best-Laid Plans
Then again, so can the umpteenth joke about a coworker's unfortunate-looking gold chain. (Although we can all agree that Bel Biv Dinesh's chain was indeed "Poi-sonnnnnn.") If you're focused on a task at hand, keep your game face on and make sure you don't get distracted by horrifically hilarious jokes made at inappropriate times, a power cord, or both.
Don't Try to Make a Genius Observation Mid-Bong Rip
The non-stop coughing kind of undercuts the otherwise intelligent comment you're trying to make.
Keep Track of Your Spending
Perhaps your money is better spent than, say, throwing a Hawaiian luau-themed party at the country's most famous prison, or paying a company to move your swimming people because you thought it was "crazy far" away from the house, only to realize that the pool was "right where it needed to be" and paying to move it back to its original spot. If you're not careful, you could be saying "Aloha" to your hard-earned cash, which Big Head helpfully points out means both "Hello…oh, and goodbye."
We're All Afraid of a Skynet Situation
During Richard's repeated attempts to educate the layperson about how to use Pied Piper, he constantly has to assure users that they don't have to worry about a Skynet scenario where the software becomes so powerful, it evolves into a sentient being with the ability to take over the world. Sure, he says that, but we all know how The Terminator series progresses. One minute we're compressing files, the next we're sending Kyle Reese back in time to sire the future's greatest hope for humanity in the ongoing battle against the machines.
It's Hard to Get Rid of a Dead Elephant
Both literally and figuratively (although in this instance, literally).
What were your favorite moments from season 3 of Silicon Valley?
Screenshots via HBO